Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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