I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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