you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
