Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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