the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
