In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
