So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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