dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
