Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
