apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
