I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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