Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
