i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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