You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
