for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
