Already got asked if we're dating
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
