I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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