Your face is a jimmy john
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
