none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
