There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
