You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
