Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
