Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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