How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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