I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
