I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
