Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
