no, he came in my armpit
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
