We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
