In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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