everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
