Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
