If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
