The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
