I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
