Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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