Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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