rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
