im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
