Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
