I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
