I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
