Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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