How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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