Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I forget how to act sober
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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