Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
