I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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