finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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