new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
