Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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