Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
