The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
